Friday, September 30, 2011

I kicked my husband's mistress

Ok... my husband and I have been married for a year. After dating for awhile he met another woman. The two of them were together from February 2010 up until this week. I know... I know... Im a fool. But I love him. Doesn't that mean I should stick by him through thick and thin? Does his sideline hoe mean he loves me less? I respect myself and you should know I dont have any self-esteem issues, but I just wasn't willing or able to say goodbye to the love of my love over some hoodrat.

When we moved overseas he told me he couldn't leave her behind and it wouldn't be right to just drop her after all they had been through. I was floored. I just knew this would be the time he could easily move on and we would be able to start our life together. I don't regret my decisions and I don't really care if you judge me. This is my life and I'm just sharing with you one piece of it. My husband is a good man and I'm blessed to have him.

This week he finally realized she was toxic for our family. She was not healthy for the girls or our family and so FINALLY he rid himself of her evil. I feel like a weight has been lifted. We are so happy now and everything just feels right with the world. I ran into her before he broke it off and I kicked her. It wasn't hard, but it had a lot of emotion behind it. She isn't a tall woman, but she is curvy and quick. So I had to do it pretty fast.

I saw her the day he let her go and she went from my husband right to another man. So, I know she was just a no good low down dirty skank. They had been together that morning and she didn't even take a shower before letting some other man ride her.

Well this is an official GOODBYE to Jackie the Chevy Camaro... deuces! If you thought I was talking about a real woman then I need you to start reading more of my posts and definitely read my book when I start releasing the chapters!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?

Remember The Matrix? If not, then you probably have been in a good movie coma. Very quick reminder of this line: The red pill stops you from living in the matrix and the blue pill allows you to continue living ignorant to the true reality of the world. My husband loves this movie. I think he secretly wishes he was an agent :)

Here I am one week post-Paris and I'm feeling the same way... like I should've taken the blue pill and stayed in Paris. Eating croissants each morning and walking around shopping, sight seeing and laughing. But, noooo... I had to take the red pill. I had to check out of the hotel, hop on another train and enter the reality that I had so easily forgotten and dismissed.

Today was the first day I have left my house since we returned. Yes, the first day. No walks, no quick rides, nothing. Both of my girls have been sick. One had a fever and both have been sneezing and battling constant running noses. My youngest twin LOVES that little suction bulb for cleaning her nose. She smiles and leans into the tip. The other... the one that is grumpy when she wakes each morning... hates it. She screams and fights. I have to hold her down, while keeping her face in place, and suction all at the same time. She is one strong little 7month old.

My fellow mothers out there... the next time your child is sick and they are sneezing and coughing and cranky, and they exhale through their runny nose PLEASE TAKE A PICTURE OF THE SNOT BUBBLE. That's the funniest thing ever. I know I should clean their noses a little faster, but for just a moment I laugh. I smile and they keep breathing. As they breathe the bubble grows and shrinks. Why does this amaze me? Because I've been stuck in the house all week with two 7month old babies. Have you not been reading?

picture of Marten Animal ImageI have a critter living in my attic. At night and randomly throughout the day you can hear it running around and scratching things. It cries sometimes and I have no clue what it is or how it is getting into our home. The sounds it makes resemble a human body being pulled across the floor.

My landlord tells us it's probably a marten. Which I can only describe as an evil spawn of satan's rat possum chia pet. Whatever it is, it needs to go! We have had this problem since we moved in almost a year ago. He lightheartedly mentioned that the previous tenant also heard noises in the attic. I cant for the life of me understand why someone would want that creature living above them. Here's the conversation I had with my landlord yesterday when he arrived at our home unannounced waking not one but two sick resting babies.

LL: Your husband make a message on my phone and said there was problem.
Me: He did? Well he isn't here now, but I can try to call him. I'm assuming it's the animal in the attic still. (I call hubby who confirms the marten is the issue)
Me: The heating gentleman came to inspect and he told me to give this paperwork to you.
LL: Yes, they come once a year to make inspect. It is no problem.
Me: No, that's not the problem. That is just the paper he told me to give you. The problem is the thing living in the attic.
LL: I dont know what to do. I make trap but it doesnt catch it. I put bowl of liquid stuff to make it stay away but it keep coming back.
Me: Something is going to need to be done. I am not satisfied. This has been going on way too long.
LL: I dont know what to do. Maybe I get guy to come tomorrow and make the lawn and he can set trap.
Me: That is fine. I am really concerned with it being up there and my babies are here. I dont think it's sanitary. I dont know what it's doing up there, like using the bathroom. You know... leaving its feces. (He has a confused look, Im starting to believe something is becoming lost in translation)
LL: Oh no it cant hurt babies. It wont attack them it is in the attic.
Me: Im not concerned with an attack. Im worried about it not being clean with it being up there and affecting my children. (Now I think he is playing the "I dont understand" card. He likes to whip it out quite often. But I'm not in the mood today)
LL: It has been there long time. (insert nervous laugh)
Me: That does not make it okay. It will be living here longer than I will then. Again, Im not satisfied. In the US we have exterminators. Do you have something like that here? Someone who can come to catch and take it away?
LL: No, no, no. I dont know who to call to help. I call tomorrow and try to find someone.
Me: ( Fine. My husband will be here and you two can discuss it.

What a day... it ended with my husband picking up some of that f-ing delicious chicken for takeout and I accidentally told him pommes frites (french fries) when I meant wedges. BOO! Anyone who knows me knows I am a potato connoisseur and I'm not a fan of the bag of crinkle fries when I have seasoned fresh wedges as a choice! And to top it off after cleaning bottles and putting babies to bed, I sit down to devour my chicken... only to find my husband has eaten the entire breast piece off of my half. He still claims he thought he picked his up. I will just pretend that he was helping me from overeating or regaining any of the weight I've lost. Im down a total of 9lbs since beginning this journey even after my Paris trip!

Until my next unbelievable, but true, story...

Monday, September 19, 2011

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir

Ok so I never knew what that line meant from the song until I just looked it up! And now I love it even more.

Ahh... sweet Paris (and I pronounce Paris as Pair-ee). We had such a beautiful time. Our express train left Thursday morning around 8am and arrived just shy of two hours later. Yes, we took the twins with us. I just could not bear to leave them for 3 nights in another country.

Our first thought was to walk to our hotel room, but after looking at our GPS we realized it was a 6km walk with two babies and luggage. We opted for a taxi. We could not have been more wrong. If you have never driven in Paris, just imagine driving in New York with L.A. traffic and no street markings. Then add in the number of people in China times two. At that point you just begin to understand how absolutely ridiculous and dangerous it is to operate a vehicle there. Not to mention the crazy people on scooters and bicycles weaving in and out of traffic.

Our hotel was amazing! Amazingly small. The room was as big as a closet and the shower was big enough for me to stand in, but to move in whatsoever. It was like walking into the corner of a room. Two sides were walls and the other two were exposed with a thin shower curtain that just kept flowing in and out of the shower. I cant stand gross shower curtains touching me while I bathe. The bed was two twins pushed together and of course each night we took turns yanking a baby from the space between the two mattresses. Hey, but it had free Wi-Fi and was in walking distance of EVERYTHING! So, can we really complain? Yes, I can! hahahaa... Each morning we ate croissants because the rest of the breakfast options were either disgusting or untranslatable.

This trip was my wedding anniversary gift from my husband. He really is an awesome guy. He does not plan things psychotically like myself, but it all fell together quite nicely. I will be uploading tons of pics over the next few days.

We saw The Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, Louvre, Grand Palais, Arc de Triomphe, walked down Champs de Elysee, and so much more. We walked and shopped and walked some more. My feet have blisters on them, but I would not have it any other way. We backpacked the girls for our bus tour around Paris. As we were loading up we saw Al Roker & wife, Deborah Roberts. They looked so sweet walking hand-in-hand. We toured the Seine on a gorgeous boat tour.

The Eiffel Tower was delightful and always our landmark when returning back to our hotel. We saw it at night all lit up and it was breath-taking. My husband had the bright idea to stop waiting for the elevator and walk down the stair from the very middle section. I, like an idiot, followed him. We took the stairs. I dont think you hear me. We walked down the stairs from the middle of The Eiffel Tower to the bottom. Oh, I failed to mention we were front packing 15lb babies. I contribute my ability to eat bread all day and only gain 1lb to that hike down.

Paris does not like to accommodate parents with changing tables in the bathrooms. What else could I do but to change them wherever I could. They also have a very bad habit of charging you to use their restrooms. Luckily, I avoided these pay stalls. My husband was not so lucky.

People were just as amazed at seeing twins in Paris as they are in Germany. We have no problem telling people No! when they reach for their faces. I still do not get it. As I was asking the front desk clerk for help booking our bus tour another hotel guest stopped to talked to my husband to ask him about raising twins. I dont know why people do it, but they just cant help themselves... she asked him was it natural. Why is it such an important topic? I think my new response will be, "No, it was doggy style."

Overall, I could not have asked for more. I think we are going to try to return to Paris every year for our anniversary. Why not? We are only a few hours away.

Check for Paris pictures!

Monday, September 12, 2011

i live with jekyll and hyde

As we all know I love to eat. I enjoy cooking and trying new foods. I battle each day with healthy food choices and motivation to work out. This blog is not about those struggles. This blog is dedicated to a phenomenal weekend with my twin daughters.

Each morning I wake to little feet banging against the side of the crib. Gabby usually wakes up first and she likes to turn on her mobile with her feet. After the music has played long enough for her liking she rolls to the edge of the crib and watches herself in the mirror. She lifts her baby legs high into the air and slams them down against the mattress. This child is hilarious. When you peek over the railing at her, her face lights up. She is truly overjoyed to see another day. Her smile is infectious and I quickly scoop her in my arms and kiss her round cheeks. We quietly tiptoe into my bedroom and talk about her dreams and what we have planned for the day. She loves to touch the side of my face when we converse and for just a moment I sometimes believe she really understands what I'm saying.

Then my Lilly begins to stir. Her mornings aren't as sweet and blissful. I randomly check on her after Gabby is up, but she is too happy to sleep in. Some days I have to wake her because we either have an appointment or she will be off schedule with Gabby. The key to maintaining my sanity is to keep my children on the same feeding schedule. They have always been on the same schedule and have slept through the night since 4 weeks old. Back to Lilly the Grouch. Once she finally tosses and turns enough to wake herself up I can hear her grunting. She makes little grunting "eh" noises to alert the nearest adult. When I reach the doorway and pop my head in she is already staring back at me. It's like she is saying, "Duh, didnt you hear me. You know I'm awake." When I lift her up and pull her close to transport her to my bedroom too, she looks at me and smiles. When she smiles she tucks her head down as if she is shy. I kiss her cheeks too and tell her how much I missed her since last night. My girls are my world and every day they amaze me.

This past weekend we went to a mom & baby music class hosted by an awesome teacher and friend, Lorraine. She had plenty of activities and songs and instruments. My girls were the youngest, but they shook those rattles and beat those drums like professionals. I heard them talking about it when they went to bed that night. Lilly cant wait to go back and Gabby is already planning on requesting her favorite song; the ABCs. The next day we attended a birthday party at an indoor funhouse. There were blowup slide, trampolines, a fake Thomas the Train ride, and plenty of other really cool kid AND ADULT activities. Yes, the hubby and I took part in the fun. Of course we said it was for the girls as we held a baby and slid down screaming for joy and laughing hysterically.

I cant wait to tell you about this coming weekend. My wedding anniversary is this week and I think we both have some amazing things planned for each other. Im so giddy! I love surprises... mostly receiving them :)


Thursday, September 8, 2011

a trip to a castle

Sweat poured down my face as I hiked up the most ridiculous path to the Heidelberg castle. It wasnt until later that we realized this was the BACK way and so that means everyone should be walking downhill! We were not alone on our journey. Others panted next to us as they continued to stop and breathe heavily. They would pause and watch us continue passed them with not only a camera bag and a diaper bag, but also babies strapped to our chests in frontpacks. I think they started to second guess their gym routines.

Making it to the top of that hill was such an accomplishment that I treated myself to a few days off from working out. That and I dont think I would have been able to kick it with Kathy Smith the next day.

The castle was beautiful. We took tons of pics and journeyed through the few portions open to the general public. We later understood why it was so cheap to enter. Their revenue is from the tours they give and that's how you gain access inside. Oh well, maybe on our next castle trip.

The girls received their usual amount of attention, but with them being so close to our bodies no one dared to touch their faces. Plus, people rarely do so when my husband is around. Probably because he is terrifying! bwahahhahaa

We rode the little train up the hill and down again. There's a nice little German fairytale amusement park somewhere along the train stops. Once the girls are a little older we will return.

I had a very nice time. We walked around the city and returned to the parking garage to begin our 90 minute drive back home. It was a relaxing weekend. I'm hoping to make it out of the country soon since the girls now have passports. We just wanted to be sure to have something tying them to us before we venture out.

Not too many laughs in this post, but believe it or not, my life isnt always laughter and smiles...just 98.7% of the time. Until my next post... ciao!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

unexpected shower

If you're a parent or if you've been around kids long enough I'm pretty sure you have been victim to mysterious poop syndrome. This occurs when a baby (please baby Jesus let this illness be over by age 1) has somehow managed to take a giant dump and push so hard and with such force that poop spills out the sides, top and back of their pamper.

I know you all have stories about your experiences with this problem. To be perfectly honest, I really hadn't encountered this until a few days ago. My husband on the other hand has had SEVERAL run-ins with this madness. He was once covered from neck to thigh in orange crap. Seriously? I still dont know how that happened. 

Well, the other day one of my beautiful dainty little twin babies had to relieve herself.'s natural. I waited for her to finish and promptly walked her over to the changing pad. I laughed at her pretty smile and kissed her rosy cheek. She cooed back and I tickled her sides as I laid her on the pad. My normal routine for changing diapers is to pull out the wipes I anticipate I'll need (usually 4) and place the clean diaper under the dirty one. I prepped the operating table and began. 

I was still laughing and talking to her when I pulled her onesie up. At this point her diaper was still snuggly attached to her little body. So why was my hand covered in crap? What is going on? Not only is my hand covered in crap, but so are my shorts, her onesie, the diaper, and the changing pad. I tried to remove the diaper and start wiping her down, but the more I wiped the more poop appeared. I couldn't get it off of everything. The new diaper even had poop on it. The entire time I'm panicking and trying to figure out what my next move will be. How will I get her clean? What about the other baby? Where the hell did my husband go? Is she done pooping? Who can perform an exorcism in Germany on a child's butt this late in the afternoon? Her face never changed, in fact, I think she quite enjoyed the ordeal. 

My decision was made. I was going to run her upstairs to our bathtub and rinse her off. First, I need to remove the onesie. Instead of going over her head I pulled it down her waist. No need to get it in her hair. Even though that would've been funny it's not like she can wash it out. Why cause more work for myself? Step two is to get her upstairs. I quickly grab her nude little body and race upstairs. Im praying she doesn't pee or poop while her tiny butt is exposed. Luckily, most of my house is tiled. 

I make it to the bathtub and I turn the sprayer on.Why isn't she being still? Because that would be too easy. She is fumbling around and pretending she doesn't know how to stand up. I can hear the other twin laughing wickedly downstairs. She is safe in her playpen, but if you know kids like I know kids, she can still get into mischief. 

My left arm instinctively cups around the little turd (hee hee hee) and I use my right to spray her body. When I feel she is clean enough to take downstairs, I lay the sprayer at the bottom of the tub and reach for the towel. The next series of events happened so fast I still have trouble recalling them. Duh Elisha, turn the sprayer off first. Well, I didn't. My next surprise was a fast water shot to the face. I screamed and the baby screamed and jumped while water coated the the ceiling, floor, tub, baby and me. 

I couldn't take it anymore. I cracked. My eyes shut tight and I threw back my head and laughed. What else can you do at this point? Of course the water wasn't still spraying while I had my nervous breakdown.  I did have the sense enough to turn it off immediately. I looked down at my baby and she looked up at me and all I could think was I can't want until Im old and you have to change my diaper. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Yes, WWF is old school, but that's what I grew up on. If I wrestled, my name would be FATSMASH. I'd come out in a pink sequined mono-kini. My hair would be braided in a huge fishtail ponytail. And I'd carry a mysterious plastic pink sequined purse. In this purse would be gross disgusting animal fat. I'd pour it all over my opponents.

That's so gross, I need to stop myself right there.

My fat smash diet is going pretty well. I've been a little busy with the girls. Gabby has her first tooth which equals total little brat and both had their 6month shots yesterday. Always fun- I mean sad- to watch their little faces turn from happy and giggling to squished up red monsters with the wide open mouth and silent scream. Needless to say, I havent updated you on my weight loss progress.

I weighed myself mid-month and then again yesterday. So far I've lost 6 lbs! YEA for me! If I can average even 10lbs per month I'm well on my way to losing these last 30 by Christmas. I havent cheated on the diet and I'm getting my cardio in at least 3 times per week to start. I even threw in some weights and abs this week as a bonus! My hunger battle isnt so bad on day 5... told you! I think the party in the kitchen is over. I saw some fried chicken hungover and throwing up in the sink. I told them to lay off the grease, but you know how fried chicken loves that flour & oil.

Unrelated: I made a lipgloss using the Blistex in the jar, Aquafor, and some eyeshadow powder. I love it. I've heard of people adding in honey, vitamin E, vaseline, kool-aid, etc. Maybe some of you have your own recipe? I'd love to hear about them. 

We are planning AGAIN to try to make it to the castle that inspired Walt Disney. I hope to return with tons of pictures and hopefully funny stories.