Sunday, December 25, 2011

A Christmas to Remember

 It's almost midnight here in Germany. My babies are in bed and my husband and I are cozy on the couch watching a movie. Im finishing up my baking for tomorrow and I cant help but smile. What a wonderful first family Christmas.

On another note... I'm completely exhausted. My husband told me Wednesday to pack for two days. I was excited, but very nervous. I volunteered to host Christmas dinner and we would be returning Saturday afternoon. This would only give me one day to clean and start cooking for Christmas. AAAHHH! I know, I know. Enjoy your vacation. Be thankful you have a husband that loves you and cares. I know all of those mantras single women say to married women. The thing is, I am grateful. I cant even begin to describe my gratitude and love for my husband, but I'm also the mother of twin 10 month old babies. I'm not Wonder Woman. Okay, maybe I am sometimes. 

We packed up the car and the girls and took off on a 4 1/2 hour ride. I still had no clue where we were headed and it was fun trying to guess. I thought maybe a few nights at Edelweiss. That would be nice, but the snow had stopped and I would've wanted to try skiing. To my astonishment, we pulled in to a Hilton. I was already hooked. My husband had planned a night in Munich to visit their Christmas market and then the next day in Nuremberg to vist their market. 

A Christmas market is an outdoor shopping extravaganza. Vendors are lined up in booths selling things from toys, ornaments, clothing to custom artwork and of course food. The food is the best part. Chocolates, pastries, sausages (which I dont eat), nuts, candy, and so much more. Christmas lights sparkle in every storefront and some even have live entertainment. We front packed the babies and made our way through the crowds. Of course we are a spectacle even greater than all of the wonders of the market. 

I've wrapped all of the presents, but I'm sure the girls will rip open the gifts and play with the paper. I can't wait for them to wake up smiling and laughing...not a care in the world. This is our first family Christmas and it has already been one to remember. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Rockstar Status

My current addiction is Glee. Why am I always the last to know of these great things...first Sara Lee's Apple Crumble Pie and now Glee? I've finished season 1 and Im halfway through season 2, all in less than a week. 

I've always loved musicals. My sister and I would talk about how awesome it would be if on Christmas day we'd walk down the stairs and then break into song. In my mind I imagined us doing a dance number as well. All I can say is we never did randomly break into song and over the years my dream of becoming a singing and dancing fool faded into a faint memory. ...until Glee!

Now, every time something funny or amazing happens I want to break into a Michael Jackson, Britney, JLo, Beyonce number. I want to run in the rain, swing around a light pole (not stripper pole) and sing to an unsuspecting audience. And dont worry, Germans know American hip hop songs. Maybe they'll mistake me for Jennifer Hudson or Beyonce. 

I really do love this show and how it has reawakened my inner rockstar. Im singing in the mirror into a hairbrush, Im busting moves in the kitchen while making dinner, I cant stop myself. 

Here's my big question- why are these kids losers? i dont remember kids who could sing and dance being losers in my high school or in the schools where I taught. Those kids were on pedestals. Throw in the captain of the football team and the head cheerleader and you've got it. 

On another note- it's 1am here in Germany and Im exhausted. I have been working like crazy to finish up this "project" for my husband's Christmas gift. I'd tell you, but like a great husband, he faithfully reads my blog. This "project" has put my book on hold, but only momentarily. I'll post chapter 4 by Monday!

Goodnight everyone! as I sing "When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change. 'Cause you're amazing, just the way you" to my husband as he sleeps next to me! 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

i found the one... sorry hubby, it aint you!

After years of searching for the perfect soulmate, I finally found the one. Unfortunately, it isn't my husband. It would have been nice to have been him. Probably would have saved me a lot of time and heartache, but that's just not the way this cookie crumbled...literally!

I found the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe. I tried the one I posted last and it was good, but the cookies just didn't stay soft enough for me after they had cooled and they were still a little too floury for my liking. I combed over several recipes and chose several items from each that I knew would make a better cookie... and it did! I CANT STOP EATING THEM. I just FIVE (5) cookies and I'm afraid I'll eat more tonight when my husband gets home. They melt in my mouth and are perfect! Just imagine me marching in a circle in my kitchen tooting my own horn because I am.

I'm also happy because I made chili for the first time this weekend. My hubby loves chili and I thought it would be nice to make him a pot. That also came out deliciously spicy, just the way he likes it. He has been eating it everyday since and keeps on telling me how good it is. So, I'm quite pleased with myself.

We are spending Thanksgiving with two other families stationed here in Germany. Each family is to bring one meat, one dessert, and three sides. I'm going to make all new recipes and if my lucky streak continues they will be a hit! Once I've actually made them I will share my recipes. I've chosen spicy honey dipped fried chicken as our meat. The dessert is of course our favorite Sara Lee Cinnamon Crumble Pie...yea I know it's not a new recipe, but definitely a must. The sides will be cheesy rice & veggie bake, spinach & artichoke casserole, and potato cakes with chives and sour cream. Wish me luck :)

Didn't you say chocolate? Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

  • 1 cup (2 sticks) salted butter, softened
  • 3/4 cup white granulated sugar
  •  1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 tsp. vanilla extract
  • 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 3/4 tsp. smallish-medium coarse sea salt
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  •  1/2 bag semi-sweet chocolate chips & 1 1/2 bag of milk chocolate chips
1. preheat oven to 350
2. combine flour, sea salt and baking soda into a bowl and set aside
2. cream the butter and all sugar together for at least 3 minutes. 
2. add both eggs and the vanilla to the creamy mixture and blend for another 2 minutes (i didn't cream for the appropriate time before and it makes a difference. i use my food processor with the knife blade attachment)
3. mix in 1/4 of the flour mixture to the creamy mixture by hand (continue doing this until all of the flour mixture has been added) 
4. add in the chocolate chips...yes I use 2 full bags of chips!
5. I use a cookie sheet lined with foil and sprayed with nonstick baking spray
6. drop tablespoon sized globs of cookie dough onto your cookie sheet and bake
7. remove the cookies once they are golden brown around the edges. they wont look done in the middle but they will harden once they are cooled. 

*Here are pics of how they look right out of the oven and once they have cooled!

Monday, November 14, 2011

he's not a great liar

My husband is awesome at many things, but lying... not his strength. And thank God for that! When I watch movies like Taken or any zombie end of world movie I never wonder if we'll make it or if my husband is badass enough to save me. My husband never takes no for an answer and is always the knight in shining armor. And that's part of why he lied to me last night. I knew it as soon as I looked into his eyes and heard his voice pitch change ever so slightly. Maybe it's from living with him day in and day out, maybe it's from being a high school teacher, or maybe it's because I'm a great liar myself- but whatever reason it is, I knew his statement to be false.

This is how it all started. I wanted some chocolate chip cookies. I more than wanted them, I craved them. I don't have a sweet tooth often, but when I do it is quite specific. The hubby had to run out and offered to pick me up some cookies, but I said how about just some chocolate chips. I'll make my own cookies. As much cooking and baking that I do, I have never mastered the art of the chocolate chip cookie from scratch. There's either too much or too little of something and they never come out just like I imagine. I want them soft and chewy, but not gooey. They should dissolve in my mouth and the chocolate pieces should be all over my hands and mouth. Haha! While he was gone and the girls were behaving, I quickly mixed up the batter. I followed a new recipe I had received with my Reynolds foil wrap coupon. Seemed to have all the common ingredients needed. I placed the batter in the refrigerator and awaited his return.

After adding in the chips and baking the first batch I knew it... I knew I had once again failed at this chocolate chip mystery. Who the hell can bake a chocolate chip cookie flawlessly? You? Then send me your damn recipe instead of laughing at me. I later reviewed my mishap with my mother and she confirmed my initial thoughts. I dont buy regular butter. We use Smart Balance and I think that played a part as well as some old baking soda. I think it's time for a new box :(

Well, my husband watches me take a bite and asks me how they taste. I admit they are not the best, but they are okay. They are just fluffy. He asks for one and proceeds to sample it. I ask him how does it taste and he says, "It's good" LIAR. Remember, this is the same guy who almost imploded from the f-ing delicious chicken from around the corner. Next thing I know he is Googling how to make Paradise Bakery cookies and offering to make me some! S-L-A-P! Not only are your cookies disgusting, but they are so bad I'm just going to find you a recipe and do it for you. OUCH! I think that hurt worse than the chicken.

I knew they weren't that tasty and I dont need him to pump me up. I was more disappointed in not satisfying my sweet tooth than anything. I tried adding nuts to a batch, smashing the cookies down during and after baking, yet nothing worked. Needless to say, I wont be using that recipe again and I will invest in real butter, a new box of baking soda, and maybe a new taste tester :)

2 1/2c flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon (optional) <---i used it
1 c butter, softened
1 c packed brown sugar
1/2 c granulated sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 package (12 oz) or 2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup coarsely chopped nuts

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Nuts & Rides

Get your minds out of the gutter! hahahaha... yes, nuts and rides is my title and I like it. I finally chose to make some banana nut bread and oh my was it amazing. So good, in fact, I have another loaf in my machine now. It came out perfect- not too sweet and not too dry. My family can vouch that my new found respect for bananas is very recent. I still dont like them in smoothies. It gives a bad taste... but I will eat them plain and in bread. Thank goodness I have a mom who not only cooks everything from scratch, but who can discuss anything with me. I dont mean she is open (which she is), but I mean she has a broad wealth of knowledge. And if she doesn't know she will flat out tell you- I dont know about that. She recommended I try the Bisquick recipe for banana nut bread. I was a little skeptical at first, but decided it was easiest. Finally discovered the Bisquick at the commissary and made my way home to translate more badly translated English instructions that came with my German bread machine. The recommendation is that I use the "sweet bread" setting, but I decided to just use the machine as an oven and use the "bake" setting. It turned out wonderfully. I used the exact ingredients it lists. I blended up everything except the Bisquick and the nuts. I add these at the end and just stir with a spoon and bake in my bread machine for 1 hour.

We also took a quick visit to our town's carnival. Bright lights, great food, and rides... who can ask for anything more? It was a tad nippy out, but we bundled up and kept truckin'! The girls were all smiles and in awe of the lights and people. I'm sure this time next year they will be screaming with either glee or absolute fear as they ride the merry go round.

On a completely different note, I'm going to return to my vegetarianism. I still ate fish, but it seemed to help me keep the weight off and make better meal choices. I'll still cook some meat for the family, but it wont hurt any of them to eat what I eat most times. I have a great husband who supports me in my healthy hair and eating choices. If you see me trying to kiss him in public after we've eaten it may be me trying to lick the BBQ sauce off his lips because I've gone into chicken withdrawal... Im just warning you! Have a great rest of the week!


1 1/3
cups mashed very ripe bananas (2 large)
cup sugar
cup milk
tablespoons vegetable oil
teaspoon vanilla
2 2/3
cups Original Bisquick® mix
cup chopped nuts

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

going marbles

I'm addicted to YouTube. More specifically, I'm addicted to YouTube videos about hair. I love to watch tutorials, reviews, etc. It doesn't matter. I subscribe to a ton of women all caring for their hair and teaching me as I progress on my own healthy hair journey. WELL... YouTube will display other videos you may be interested in based on what you've been watching. I started watching some Nicki Minaj inspired hair and makeup videos and was shown another video that YouTube thought I'd enjoy. It was JennaMarbles' video What Nicki Minaj Wants In A Man... huh? So, I clicked it anyway. I am so glad I did. This chick is hilarious. She does tons of comedic videos and vlogs. Her skits cracked me up so much I just had to subscribe. Her videos are not for children! As you watch her videos you learn a little more about who she really is. She is a go-go dancer and blogger who has a master's degree and apparently is flat broke. Why am I finding a trend in the more education one has the less they get paid? Hmmm...

Well, today I was reminded of another JennaMarbles' video. I went to pick up some paperwork today about the car accident I had earlier this year. Remind you, I live in another country. Things are a little different here. The ladies were very kind at first, but most are because of these f-ing cute babies HA! As our conversation continued she didn't like what I had to say. I was very polite and my tone never changed, yet she couldn't just answer my question.

Me: What is the appeals process?
Evil lady: You have to have a good reason.
Me: But what is the process or steps I take.
Evil dragon: Once you have a good reason we write up a letter.
Me: So do YOU decide if it's a good reason. Will my appeal go to you?
Devil: No, we help you write up your letter if you have a good reason.
Me: Can you just tell me what the steps are. What happens after the letter is written?
Evil Devil Dragon Lady: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ... good reason

This honestly went on for 15minutes. My husband was there and he was also unnervingly calm. Another lady comes over and tells us they can call to find out info about the other driver and what has happened on his end. Fine do it. So the Evil Lady calls and of course the entire conversation is in German. She hangs up and starts to tell me about WHY I DONT HAVE A GOOD REASON! Are you kidding me? I interrupted her and said that was NOT why you were calling and I still don't care what you have to say. What happened on his end? She says they can't tell her that. Well, that is what you said you'd call to find out. At this point I'm tired of talking in circles to the mother of the Blair Witch Project and ask for my paperwork. We point out the entire ordeal seemed like a secret society handshake deal where we were getting screwed in the end.

JennaMarbles Elisha, why the intro about that crazy go-go dancing comedian? She does a skit on How to Avoid Talking to People You Dont Want to Talk to... I WISH I HAD APPLIED THIS TODAY! In case you dont watch her video (just click that link), you have to make a strange face AND commit to it. As the person keeps talking or nervously laughs you hold the face. You don't snicker or waiver. Yes, this is my face... I am sure it would've worked!

**Don't worry, still working on the book! By the end of the month you'll have more to read than you can stand! LOL**

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

blessings in disguise

As many of you know I have been looking for employment. I thought it would be nice to get out a bit and help out with at least one bill. The girls would go to daycare. I convinced myself that going to daycare would allow them an opportunity to socialize with other children and build up their immune systems. All in all working would be a win-win situation.

After conditionally accepting a part-time position, I went in to observe and speak with the person I'd be replacing. I was in love. The job seemed a perfect fit and everyone was very friendly. Not two hours later, I learned of my correct salary. Let's just say I'm a firm believer in NOT paying to work. The pay would not even cover part time childcare fees.

I thought what a waste. What was my purpose in coming in today? Why did God feel it necessary to tease me with the idea of having a wonderful job? I decided to speak to the lady I was going to replace and let her know of the situation. This is when His plan became quite clear.

This wonderful woman I had just met gave me some honest and sincere words of wisdom. She told me that she stayed home with her children and when she looks back on her past she thinks about what she missed out on and her answer is always...nothing. She was there to watch her children grow. She admitted that her husband was not earning a high salary at that time and money was often tight, but she has always been a person that could go without. My heart warmed. She went on to explain that so many people believe that they NEED two working parents in the home, but what are you really trading in? She explained that instead of one working parent who may be stressed, you have two. Two tired adults who usually have to play catch up on the weekends and after work to get things done and sometimes dont have time to enjoy life or get out of the house because they are tired or there is laundry to finish etc.

Now, dont get me wrong. Some people like to work and others HAVE to work. There are different situations and circumstances for every family. At this time in my life, and under the current living situation my family is in, it is a blessing that I am able to stay home with my girls. It was the confirmation I needed that this is my place- at least for now. I can play with my girls, teach them, cook delicious meals, clean my home and spend my husband's off days enjoying him and our family time. Sometimes we just need a reminder. I prayed that God would give me this job if that's where I am to be. I feel that meeting this woman and having this 15minute conversation was the reason I was offered this job. You think you know what's good for you until you're slapped in the face with a double dose of reality.

If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.

I cant wait to see how this first Halloween in Germany pans out :)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Chapter 3: Raza

*I've been working to finish this book by the end of November. I'm going to release one more chapter now, but the rest will be all at once!*

Chapter 3
There are so many blessings in my life and I really do try to count them and appreciate them all. I’m just tired. Tired of pretending. Clinton and I have been married almost three years and we’ve been trying to have a baby for the last two. It didn’t really concern me in the beginning because I had been taking birth control since I was a teen and the doctors told us it could take longer for my body to return to its normal cycle, but this is just ridiculous. I pretend it doesn’t bother me and I pretend that everything is okay. It’s what I do best. My pretending is so good I believe it myself sometimes. That’s when things get dangerous. If I start believing my own lies, are they still lies? My husband calls me everyday. My friends think it’s romantic and that he is so sweet. That may be true, but I know Clinton. He calls to make sure I haven’t killed myself. That’s him calling now. 
“Hello...? Clinton is that you?” I don’t know why I ask that since his face and name appear on my iPhone prior to me answering. 
“Hey babe. Sorry about that. Just reading through these emails. What are you up to gorgeous?” his voice sounds a little too sweet today. He probably has been fantasizing about Lenore again. That mess is so obvious and he thinks I don’t see it. I see it. I ignore it. Another one of my lies I suppose. 
“No worries. I’m just about to head out. I’m teaching a class on knives today at the store. How’d your meeting go?” until he called I had completely lost track of time. I own my own catering business and I teach classes there to keep me occupied. Plus the additional money I make from it fuels my shopping addiction. As he rambles on about the boring details of his meeting I scramble to find something to wear and start to pull my hair in a high ponytail. “That’s great, babe. I’m sure everything will work out.” I have no clue what he just said, but that’s my go to response and 90% of the time it applies to his long mundane conversations. 
“I’m going to invite Lenore over for dinner tonight. I don’t think she has been doing too well since she lost her mother last month. Maybe you can cook something fantastic to brighten her spirits? I have to run, it’s time for me to rally my troops. I’m thinking 7:30 this evening. Love you, bye.” Clinton’s voice cut off at the end because I clicked the end button right as I heard the words 7:30. Damn phone has a delay between me pressing the button and the call actually ending. I may pretend everything is okay, but I’m pretty sure people see right through it. I guess I just pretend they don’t. What the hell I look like cooking for this man and the woman he pines after day in and day out. Sorry you lost your mom, I really am, but you don’t have anyone else to turn to? My husband’s shoulder is not reserved for office sluts. And what is he talking about cook something fantastic? Like I don’t cook something fantastic every damn night. Oh no, I guess not. I guess when I’m sweating and slaving in this kitchen every night I only produce food good enough for commoners. What was I thinking? Royalty is coming tonight. Oh I got something tasty in mind for her. Yea, I’ll lay out the red carpet and present a meal neither one of them will ever forget. I think today is a new day. I’m thinking today is the day Raza grabs hold of the rings and leads herself out of misery. Where the hell did I put my car keys? What a perfect day to freshen up my knife skills. 

Friday, October 14, 2011

a la mode

That's right. Fatty McFatty is back on the scene. Why can't I seem to find the time (really the motivation) to workout? Why? Because things like SaraLee's Cinnamon French Apple Pie exist. I have zero willpower. When I workout and eat healthy I am the one that has to throw out all of the desserts and junk food before beginning my new life. I cant seem to understand why I have so many "farewell to fat" meals, but the fat is still around! I tell my husband ok this is going to be my last unhealthy meal. So, we grab some of that f-ing delicious chicken and I proudly proclaim, "This is my farewell to fat meal!" And he looks at me with those loving eyes because he knows better than anyone that I'm hopeless.

My hubby loves vanilla ice cream with his pies. I wasn't a huge fan, but when you can't beat em... join em. He is also a sucker for apple pie. The other night he told me he liked the apple pie with that crunchy stuff on top. I asked if he was referring to cinnamon, but he wasn't sure. I was 99% positive that's what he meant. So, I reached for my trusty coupon binder and found a $1 off SaraLee desserts. The next day I planned a nice salmon teriyaki with fresh sautéed green beans and brown rice. Of course, for dessert, I picked up this pie I luckily found at the commissary. The instructions were simple enough so I pre-heated my oven and ripped open the box. Ok... where's the center pie crust? I looked down at this pile of apples and thought oh this is going to be gross. My favorite part is the crust and these idiots have taken my deliciousness meter down 50%! Oh well, I stuck it in the oven and added the cinnamon crumbles halfway as instructed. I let it sit for a few hours and I still didn't think it looked all that great. No way was I getting a "THIS IS F-ing DELICIOUS!" comment from this presentation, but I didn't make it from scratch. I remembered the french vanilla ice cream at the store and thought that my husband isn't too picky, I'm sure he will enjoy it.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?? After we ate dinner I grabbed the pie and ice cream. We dug in and I melted into my seat. All that was wrong with the world fled from my mind. It was like everything in front of me turned into swirling circles of colors. Those circles then began to form into dancing apple slices. The apples had cinnamon in their hands and they threw it in the air so that they were sprinkling themselves. One by one they jumped into a dish of ice cream. My husband was staring at me as I stared wide-eyed into space. When I tell you this pie was good... I can't even get the words out... two days later. It was amazing. I honestly believe had my husband not been there I would've devoured the whole pie and not one ounce of regret would've escaped my body. Instead we wrapped it up and placed it in the fridge. As I was clearing the dishes, I couldn't help myself and I grabbed the serving spoon and plunged it into my mouth licking it clean. He laughed and shook his head, but I didn't care. I needed that last little bit before packing it away.

The next day it was all I could think about. How damn stupid I had been for not discovering this years ago. I kept hearing a baby cry, but both of my girls were playing with their toys content and distracted. Again, this crying started up. I realized it was coming from the kitchen. I went to take a look. Yes, the apple pie was crying for me to eat it. It was sad no one had given it any attention all day. I thought how sad and I promised it I would be back for it very soon. We both agreed it was best I lick the top of it, but I told it I'd better not as my husband may want some and I may have a guest over who'd like a slice. So, I closed the refrigerator door and continued to play with my girls. I still heard it cry out, but its sobs died down throughout the day.

Until this evening when I packed in another giant slice along with 3 scoops of french vanilla ice cream. I can not help myself. There are some things in life that must not be ignored... Sara Lee's Cinnamon French Apple Pie is one of them.

There's still some pie left. I did practice a bit of self control. I am seriously contemplating rehab... Hello, my name is Elisha and I'm addicted to apple pie :)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Hey everyone! I'm back in the kitchen and loving the new recipes I've tried. I made pan seared chicken and onion cheddar mashed potatoes yesterday. Yumm!

I followed this recipe for the chicken. I didn't shred the chicken. I used breast halves with the bone in. I also seasoned with Italian dressing (it's what I had) and seasoning salt, garlic powder and black pepper.

For the potatoes I followed this recipe:


5 pounds yukon gold potatoes
3/4 cup 2% milk
3 tablespoons butter (we use Smart Balance)
1 cup shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
1 white onion chopped and sautéed
salt and pepper, to taste

Cut potatoes into large chunks; rinse well. Cover potatoes with water and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and boil gently for about 20 minutes, until tender. Drain the potatoes and return to the pot. Add the milk and butter; beat until you like the consistency. Mine are a little chunky. Stir in shredded cheese and onions. Add salt and pepper to taste. (original recipe before my modifications can be found here)

By the way, if you try any of these recipes PLEASE let me know how they turned out for you and if you made any modifications. I have some salmon marinating in a teriyaki sauce I made... I'll post that recipe and the outcome later this week. I'm still working on the book as well. Im sure I'll have some more pages ready for posting this weekend!

Until then ciao!

Friday, October 7, 2011

the beginning of my novel

*Here are the first few pages of my novel... like me, it's a work in progress. Tell me what you think.*


Title: Epiphany

Fridays are my favorite day of the week. I can see everyone bustling about the office trying to hide their excitement for the weekend. These mothafuckas dont know how to live at all. I work in a boring ass accounting firm. Most of the time I just sit in my office and play solitaire. Im an executive assistant to the CEO. Big deal... I’m his glorified secretary. I’m not stupid. This fat ass and these big DSLs (dick sucking lips) got me this job and I’m not complaining. 
Im definitely not hard to look at. I’ve got light brown eyes, flawless mocha skin, and long naturally curly hair. These hoes always trying to dog me in this office, but if they spent more time at the gym and less time worrying about what I’m doing they wouldn't have to wonder if I’m fucking their man. They need to be worrying about if their man is trying to fuck me. 
Lately, I’ve been in a funky mood. And it shows. My jobs is boring. I sit behind this desk all day. There’s one time each day that I can honestly say Im excited. I get a little warm tingling feeling all over my body and I dont even try to hide it. Each morning the CEO has a meeting with the heads of each department. Clint works on the 2nd floor and I’m the 4th so I dont see him after this, but those few minutes are like heaven. 
Clint isn't built like a football player and he isn't really that cute. He is an average brother. You can tell he keeps in shape, but doesn't hit the weights too often. He has a very lean body. His teeth are very straight and very white which gleam against his dark chocolate skin. He always is dressed to perfection from head to toe. I’ve never seen even a single piece of lint on his clothing or anything out of place. Clint is married. His wife is gorgeous. I’ve seen her three times and each time all I could think about was her walking in on us fucking. I imagine his head between my legs and breasts in the air. She walks in and he doesn't even stop until I climax. Damn, now that’s some shit. I dont really give a shit about their marriage or if he is happy or not. I just know that I need to fuck this man. I want his hands all in my hair and his lips devouring my neck. 
Every time I see Clint I smile and flirt, but I just cant break him. I cant get a peep from him. Not even a cute flirty smile back. It’s always super professional and short. I dress sexy, but not slutty and I make sure my hair and makeup are perfect. I know I look good because I walk down the hall and both men and women turn to stare. My nasty old ass boss calls me into his office on way too many occasions for absolutely no reason at all. But I know he just wants to see my ass in these tight as pencil skirts. And you better believe I make sure he does. I dont make $75,000 a year because of my typing skills.
As Clint is leaving the office I make my way to cut him off at the door. I very politely ask him if I may speak with him. It’s important I wait until everyone else has left. I dont want everyone in my business, plus it’s not as easy for him if someone else is listening. Im determined to sleep with this man. I need to. It’s like an addiction. Im not trying to be his girlfriend or even a steady fuck buddy. I just want to ride this stallion one time and exit stage left. 
Clint follows me back to my desk and Im strutting like I’ve never strutted before. When we get to my desk I turn abruptly so he has to bump into me. He stumbles a bit of course not expecting me to turn so quickly. I pretend I’m going to fall and he grabs me around the waist. My God this man has strong hands. We are so close right now I can smell the mix of coffee and peppermints on his breath. I make sure to lean forward like I was really going to fall. My breasts are against his chest and I make absolutely no effort to move away. 
“I’m sorry. Excuse me. I can be clumsy sometimes,” my words come out in short pants. 
“Not a problem. Just glad I could catch you before you fell,” his voice rolls out so smooth like silk. I cant take this shit anymore and I fill the small gap that remained between us. “Look- um..what was it that you needed from me?” he asked the wrong damn question. I slid my hands around his and slowly rubbed my hands all the way up to his shoulders until my fingers laced behind his neck. I leaned in and gently tugged his face toward mine. Believe it or not, this asshole didn't budge. Instead, he removed my hands from his neck and placed them by my side. That. Shit. Turned. Me. On. This man rejecting me was the hottest thing I could remember. He didn't utter a single word. He just turned and walked back to the elevators. 
I love a challenge and Clint has done nothing except peak my interest even more. 
Chapter 2: Clinton
I cant believe this woman. If I have to see her fine ass one more time in a short skirt I’m going to bend her over that desk and give her what she wants. Damn... I hope this hard-on goes down before I get back to my office. 
I love my wife. I think my wife is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I worship her, but I’m a man. I have physical needs and sometimes a little variety is good for the diet. I’ve never stepped out on my wife and I dont plan on starting. Especially with some piece at my job. I’m on my way to becoming a partner, but not if I start acting up. Plus Don, my boss, has his eye on her. She is his assistant for a reason. I dont even know what she sees in me. Half the men in the building would give their right arm to have the opportunity I just passed up and the other half would give their left. I think back to the first time she spotted me. It was like a tigress eyeing her next kill after being starved for days. Had I been a single man I would’ve handled that right then and there. Then again, had I been a single man she would’ve spotted my empty ring finger and moved on to the next married man. 
Women like her are seriously twisted. They say men dont make emotional connections when having sex, but we do. We just know how to separate ourselves from it if need be. The idea of only sleeping with me to ridicule my wife and have something to hold over my head doesn't sit well with me at all. What’s between her legs has no value, especially when compared to the priceless love I have for my wife. Enough of that BS. I need to get my mind right. Lenore is probably waiting on me and she can always tell when something is up.
Lenore is my lead accountant. We work the advertising sector of the firm. It’s actually not a bad gig. Sometimes we even get invitations to some nice events. Last year we had dinner and drinks on the roof of the Hilton for their 85th anniversary celebration. I couldn't believe the turnout. Lenore wore a gorgeous blue backless dress. The light hit the sequins and the reflections danced in her eyes. I accompanied her with a clean black tux and my bow tie matched her dress perfectly. 
I can see her already in my office. Probably wondering why the other department heads have returned. I’ve already told Lenore all about Don’s assistant. Her advice was to stay as far away as possible. Good advice. I didn't try to run into her today. It was inevitable. Lenore was waiting in my chair. I can see her typing away madly on my Mac. She never wastes a moment. I know she is checking and responding to emails and probably organizing my calendar all at the same time. 
I chuckle at her creased brow and determination resting on her golden face. She is a simple woman. She hardly wears any makeup and her hair is usually tied up in a bun. Her hair is curly and natural. She looks up at me as if to say where the hell have you been?
“I was attacked by the demon that possesses Mikaela,” I answer her question before she even has the chance to ask. 
“I thought Don had decided to promote you a whole six months early. I was about to send out the email announcement and start packing up your office AND mine!” The smile on her face tells me she is only half joking. Ambition. 
“Not just yet... soon though. I was leaving and she tried the old I need to speak with you routine. I’m about to report her ass to HR,” I lied. 
“No you’re not. You probably stopped off at the bathroom to adjust Bill Clinton before coming to your office.” How the hell does she know me so well. I can only smirk in response. I head nod for her to move out of my seat as I reclaim my throne. Bill Clinton is what I call my dick. She really does know too much about me. What she doesn't know is my boy Roger calls her Monica. 
It’s almost time for me to make my daily call home to the wife to check on her and the kids and tell her how much I love them. Monica-eh I mean Lenore- knows this too. She tells me we have a meeting in twenty minutes with the staff and to not be too long with Raza. I agree and watch her close the door behind her as she exits, just slipping through the door like the wind. Her tall 5’11” frame glides down the hall. I can see her through the frosted glass that stands as the walls of my office. 
“Hello...? Clinton is that you?” a voice on the other end of the phone interrupts my daydream. 

Friday, September 30, 2011

I kicked my husband's mistress

Ok... my husband and I have been married for a year. After dating for awhile he met another woman. The two of them were together from February 2010 up until this week. I know... I know... Im a fool. But I love him. Doesn't that mean I should stick by him through thick and thin? Does his sideline hoe mean he loves me less? I respect myself and you should know I dont have any self-esteem issues, but I just wasn't willing or able to say goodbye to the love of my love over some hoodrat.

When we moved overseas he told me he couldn't leave her behind and it wouldn't be right to just drop her after all they had been through. I was floored. I just knew this would be the time he could easily move on and we would be able to start our life together. I don't regret my decisions and I don't really care if you judge me. This is my life and I'm just sharing with you one piece of it. My husband is a good man and I'm blessed to have him.

This week he finally realized she was toxic for our family. She was not healthy for the girls or our family and so FINALLY he rid himself of her evil. I feel like a weight has been lifted. We are so happy now and everything just feels right with the world. I ran into her before he broke it off and I kicked her. It wasn't hard, but it had a lot of emotion behind it. She isn't a tall woman, but she is curvy and quick. So I had to do it pretty fast.

I saw her the day he let her go and she went from my husband right to another man. So, I know she was just a no good low down dirty skank. They had been together that morning and she didn't even take a shower before letting some other man ride her.

Well this is an official GOODBYE to Jackie the Chevy Camaro... deuces! If you thought I was talking about a real woman then I need you to start reading more of my posts and definitely read my book when I start releasing the chapters!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?

Remember The Matrix? If not, then you probably have been in a good movie coma. Very quick reminder of this line: The red pill stops you from living in the matrix and the blue pill allows you to continue living ignorant to the true reality of the world. My husband loves this movie. I think he secretly wishes he was an agent :)

Here I am one week post-Paris and I'm feeling the same way... like I should've taken the blue pill and stayed in Paris. Eating croissants each morning and walking around shopping, sight seeing and laughing. But, noooo... I had to take the red pill. I had to check out of the hotel, hop on another train and enter the reality that I had so easily forgotten and dismissed.

Today was the first day I have left my house since we returned. Yes, the first day. No walks, no quick rides, nothing. Both of my girls have been sick. One had a fever and both have been sneezing and battling constant running noses. My youngest twin LOVES that little suction bulb for cleaning her nose. She smiles and leans into the tip. The other... the one that is grumpy when she wakes each morning... hates it. She screams and fights. I have to hold her down, while keeping her face in place, and suction all at the same time. She is one strong little 7month old.

My fellow mothers out there... the next time your child is sick and they are sneezing and coughing and cranky, and they exhale through their runny nose PLEASE TAKE A PICTURE OF THE SNOT BUBBLE. That's the funniest thing ever. I know I should clean their noses a little faster, but for just a moment I laugh. I smile and they keep breathing. As they breathe the bubble grows and shrinks. Why does this amaze me? Because I've been stuck in the house all week with two 7month old babies. Have you not been reading?

picture of Marten Animal ImageI have a critter living in my attic. At night and randomly throughout the day you can hear it running around and scratching things. It cries sometimes and I have no clue what it is or how it is getting into our home. The sounds it makes resemble a human body being pulled across the floor.

My landlord tells us it's probably a marten. Which I can only describe as an evil spawn of satan's rat possum chia pet. Whatever it is, it needs to go! We have had this problem since we moved in almost a year ago. He lightheartedly mentioned that the previous tenant also heard noises in the attic. I cant for the life of me understand why someone would want that creature living above them. Here's the conversation I had with my landlord yesterday when he arrived at our home unannounced waking not one but two sick resting babies.

LL: Your husband make a message on my phone and said there was problem.
Me: He did? Well he isn't here now, but I can try to call him. I'm assuming it's the animal in the attic still. (I call hubby who confirms the marten is the issue)
Me: The heating gentleman came to inspect and he told me to give this paperwork to you.
LL: Yes, they come once a year to make inspect. It is no problem.
Me: No, that's not the problem. That is just the paper he told me to give you. The problem is the thing living in the attic.
LL: I dont know what to do. I make trap but it doesnt catch it. I put bowl of liquid stuff to make it stay away but it keep coming back.
Me: Something is going to need to be done. I am not satisfied. This has been going on way too long.
LL: I dont know what to do. Maybe I get guy to come tomorrow and make the lawn and he can set trap.
Me: That is fine. I am really concerned with it being up there and my babies are here. I dont think it's sanitary. I dont know what it's doing up there, like using the bathroom. You know... leaving its feces. (He has a confused look, Im starting to believe something is becoming lost in translation)
LL: Oh no it cant hurt babies. It wont attack them it is in the attic.
Me: Im not concerned with an attack. Im worried about it not being clean with it being up there and affecting my children. (Now I think he is playing the "I dont understand" card. He likes to whip it out quite often. But I'm not in the mood today)
LL: It has been there long time. (insert nervous laugh)
Me: That does not make it okay. It will be living here longer than I will then. Again, Im not satisfied. In the US we have exterminators. Do you have something like that here? Someone who can come to catch and take it away?
LL: No, no, no. I dont know who to call to help. I call tomorrow and try to find someone.
Me: ( Fine. My husband will be here and you two can discuss it.

What a day... it ended with my husband picking up some of that f-ing delicious chicken for takeout and I accidentally told him pommes frites (french fries) when I meant wedges. BOO! Anyone who knows me knows I am a potato connoisseur and I'm not a fan of the bag of crinkle fries when I have seasoned fresh wedges as a choice! And to top it off after cleaning bottles and putting babies to bed, I sit down to devour my chicken... only to find my husband has eaten the entire breast piece off of my half. He still claims he thought he picked his up. I will just pretend that he was helping me from overeating or regaining any of the weight I've lost. Im down a total of 9lbs since beginning this journey even after my Paris trip!

Until my next unbelievable, but true, story...

Monday, September 19, 2011

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir

Ok so I never knew what that line meant from the song until I just looked it up! And now I love it even more.

Ahh... sweet Paris (and I pronounce Paris as Pair-ee). We had such a beautiful time. Our express train left Thursday morning around 8am and arrived just shy of two hours later. Yes, we took the twins with us. I just could not bear to leave them for 3 nights in another country.

Our first thought was to walk to our hotel room, but after looking at our GPS we realized it was a 6km walk with two babies and luggage. We opted for a taxi. We could not have been more wrong. If you have never driven in Paris, just imagine driving in New York with L.A. traffic and no street markings. Then add in the number of people in China times two. At that point you just begin to understand how absolutely ridiculous and dangerous it is to operate a vehicle there. Not to mention the crazy people on scooters and bicycles weaving in and out of traffic.

Our hotel was amazing! Amazingly small. The room was as big as a closet and the shower was big enough for me to stand in, but to move in whatsoever. It was like walking into the corner of a room. Two sides were walls and the other two were exposed with a thin shower curtain that just kept flowing in and out of the shower. I cant stand gross shower curtains touching me while I bathe. The bed was two twins pushed together and of course each night we took turns yanking a baby from the space between the two mattresses. Hey, but it had free Wi-Fi and was in walking distance of EVERYTHING! So, can we really complain? Yes, I can! hahahaa... Each morning we ate croissants because the rest of the breakfast options were either disgusting or untranslatable.

This trip was my wedding anniversary gift from my husband. He really is an awesome guy. He does not plan things psychotically like myself, but it all fell together quite nicely. I will be uploading tons of pics over the next few days.

We saw The Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, Louvre, Grand Palais, Arc de Triomphe, walked down Champs de Elysee, and so much more. We walked and shopped and walked some more. My feet have blisters on them, but I would not have it any other way. We backpacked the girls for our bus tour around Paris. As we were loading up we saw Al Roker & wife, Deborah Roberts. They looked so sweet walking hand-in-hand. We toured the Seine on a gorgeous boat tour.

The Eiffel Tower was delightful and always our landmark when returning back to our hotel. We saw it at night all lit up and it was breath-taking. My husband had the bright idea to stop waiting for the elevator and walk down the stair from the very middle section. I, like an idiot, followed him. We took the stairs. I dont think you hear me. We walked down the stairs from the middle of The Eiffel Tower to the bottom. Oh, I failed to mention we were front packing 15lb babies. I contribute my ability to eat bread all day and only gain 1lb to that hike down.

Paris does not like to accommodate parents with changing tables in the bathrooms. What else could I do but to change them wherever I could. They also have a very bad habit of charging you to use their restrooms. Luckily, I avoided these pay stalls. My husband was not so lucky.

People were just as amazed at seeing twins in Paris as they are in Germany. We have no problem telling people No! when they reach for their faces. I still do not get it. As I was asking the front desk clerk for help booking our bus tour another hotel guest stopped to talked to my husband to ask him about raising twins. I dont know why people do it, but they just cant help themselves... she asked him was it natural. Why is it such an important topic? I think my new response will be, "No, it was doggy style."

Overall, I could not have asked for more. I think we are going to try to return to Paris every year for our anniversary. Why not? We are only a few hours away.

Check for Paris pictures!

Monday, September 12, 2011

i live with jekyll and hyde

As we all know I love to eat. I enjoy cooking and trying new foods. I battle each day with healthy food choices and motivation to work out. This blog is not about those struggles. This blog is dedicated to a phenomenal weekend with my twin daughters.

Each morning I wake to little feet banging against the side of the crib. Gabby usually wakes up first and she likes to turn on her mobile with her feet. After the music has played long enough for her liking she rolls to the edge of the crib and watches herself in the mirror. She lifts her baby legs high into the air and slams them down against the mattress. This child is hilarious. When you peek over the railing at her, her face lights up. She is truly overjoyed to see another day. Her smile is infectious and I quickly scoop her in my arms and kiss her round cheeks. We quietly tiptoe into my bedroom and talk about her dreams and what we have planned for the day. She loves to touch the side of my face when we converse and for just a moment I sometimes believe she really understands what I'm saying.

Then my Lilly begins to stir. Her mornings aren't as sweet and blissful. I randomly check on her after Gabby is up, but she is too happy to sleep in. Some days I have to wake her because we either have an appointment or she will be off schedule with Gabby. The key to maintaining my sanity is to keep my children on the same feeding schedule. They have always been on the same schedule and have slept through the night since 4 weeks old. Back to Lilly the Grouch. Once she finally tosses and turns enough to wake herself up I can hear her grunting. She makes little grunting "eh" noises to alert the nearest adult. When I reach the doorway and pop my head in she is already staring back at me. It's like she is saying, "Duh, didnt you hear me. You know I'm awake." When I lift her up and pull her close to transport her to my bedroom too, she looks at me and smiles. When she smiles she tucks her head down as if she is shy. I kiss her cheeks too and tell her how much I missed her since last night. My girls are my world and every day they amaze me.

This past weekend we went to a mom & baby music class hosted by an awesome teacher and friend, Lorraine. She had plenty of activities and songs and instruments. My girls were the youngest, but they shook those rattles and beat those drums like professionals. I heard them talking about it when they went to bed that night. Lilly cant wait to go back and Gabby is already planning on requesting her favorite song; the ABCs. The next day we attended a birthday party at an indoor funhouse. There were blowup slide, trampolines, a fake Thomas the Train ride, and plenty of other really cool kid AND ADULT activities. Yes, the hubby and I took part in the fun. Of course we said it was for the girls as we held a baby and slid down screaming for joy and laughing hysterically.

I cant wait to tell you about this coming weekend. My wedding anniversary is this week and I think we both have some amazing things planned for each other. Im so giddy! I love surprises... mostly receiving them :)


Thursday, September 8, 2011

a trip to a castle

Sweat poured down my face as I hiked up the most ridiculous path to the Heidelberg castle. It wasnt until later that we realized this was the BACK way and so that means everyone should be walking downhill! We were not alone on our journey. Others panted next to us as they continued to stop and breathe heavily. They would pause and watch us continue passed them with not only a camera bag and a diaper bag, but also babies strapped to our chests in frontpacks. I think they started to second guess their gym routines.

Making it to the top of that hill was such an accomplishment that I treated myself to a few days off from working out. That and I dont think I would have been able to kick it with Kathy Smith the next day.

The castle was beautiful. We took tons of pics and journeyed through the few portions open to the general public. We later understood why it was so cheap to enter. Their revenue is from the tours they give and that's how you gain access inside. Oh well, maybe on our next castle trip.

The girls received their usual amount of attention, but with them being so close to our bodies no one dared to touch their faces. Plus, people rarely do so when my husband is around. Probably because he is terrifying! bwahahhahaa

We rode the little train up the hill and down again. There's a nice little German fairytale amusement park somewhere along the train stops. Once the girls are a little older we will return.

I had a very nice time. We walked around the city and returned to the parking garage to begin our 90 minute drive back home. It was a relaxing weekend. I'm hoping to make it out of the country soon since the girls now have passports. We just wanted to be sure to have something tying them to us before we venture out.

Not too many laughs in this post, but believe it or not, my life isnt always laughter and smiles...just 98.7% of the time. Until my next post... ciao!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

unexpected shower

If you're a parent or if you've been around kids long enough I'm pretty sure you have been victim to mysterious poop syndrome. This occurs when a baby (please baby Jesus let this illness be over by age 1) has somehow managed to take a giant dump and push so hard and with such force that poop spills out the sides, top and back of their pamper.

I know you all have stories about your experiences with this problem. To be perfectly honest, I really hadn't encountered this until a few days ago. My husband on the other hand has had SEVERAL run-ins with this madness. He was once covered from neck to thigh in orange crap. Seriously? I still dont know how that happened. 

Well, the other day one of my beautiful dainty little twin babies had to relieve herself.'s natural. I waited for her to finish and promptly walked her over to the changing pad. I laughed at her pretty smile and kissed her rosy cheek. She cooed back and I tickled her sides as I laid her on the pad. My normal routine for changing diapers is to pull out the wipes I anticipate I'll need (usually 4) and place the clean diaper under the dirty one. I prepped the operating table and began. 

I was still laughing and talking to her when I pulled her onesie up. At this point her diaper was still snuggly attached to her little body. So why was my hand covered in crap? What is going on? Not only is my hand covered in crap, but so are my shorts, her onesie, the diaper, and the changing pad. I tried to remove the diaper and start wiping her down, but the more I wiped the more poop appeared. I couldn't get it off of everything. The new diaper even had poop on it. The entire time I'm panicking and trying to figure out what my next move will be. How will I get her clean? What about the other baby? Where the hell did my husband go? Is she done pooping? Who can perform an exorcism in Germany on a child's butt this late in the afternoon? Her face never changed, in fact, I think she quite enjoyed the ordeal. 

My decision was made. I was going to run her upstairs to our bathtub and rinse her off. First, I need to remove the onesie. Instead of going over her head I pulled it down her waist. No need to get it in her hair. Even though that would've been funny it's not like she can wash it out. Why cause more work for myself? Step two is to get her upstairs. I quickly grab her nude little body and race upstairs. Im praying she doesn't pee or poop while her tiny butt is exposed. Luckily, most of my house is tiled. 

I make it to the bathtub and I turn the sprayer on.Why isn't she being still? Because that would be too easy. She is fumbling around and pretending she doesn't know how to stand up. I can hear the other twin laughing wickedly downstairs. She is safe in her playpen, but if you know kids like I know kids, she can still get into mischief. 

My left arm instinctively cups around the little turd (hee hee hee) and I use my right to spray her body. When I feel she is clean enough to take downstairs, I lay the sprayer at the bottom of the tub and reach for the towel. The next series of events happened so fast I still have trouble recalling them. Duh Elisha, turn the sprayer off first. Well, I didn't. My next surprise was a fast water shot to the face. I screamed and the baby screamed and jumped while water coated the the ceiling, floor, tub, baby and me. 

I couldn't take it anymore. I cracked. My eyes shut tight and I threw back my head and laughed. What else can you do at this point? Of course the water wasn't still spraying while I had my nervous breakdown.  I did have the sense enough to turn it off immediately. I looked down at my baby and she looked up at me and all I could think was I can't want until Im old and you have to change my diaper. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Yes, WWF is old school, but that's what I grew up on. If I wrestled, my name would be FATSMASH. I'd come out in a pink sequined mono-kini. My hair would be braided in a huge fishtail ponytail. And I'd carry a mysterious plastic pink sequined purse. In this purse would be gross disgusting animal fat. I'd pour it all over my opponents.

That's so gross, I need to stop myself right there.

My fat smash diet is going pretty well. I've been a little busy with the girls. Gabby has her first tooth which equals total little brat and both had their 6month shots yesterday. Always fun- I mean sad- to watch their little faces turn from happy and giggling to squished up red monsters with the wide open mouth and silent scream. Needless to say, I havent updated you on my weight loss progress.

I weighed myself mid-month and then again yesterday. So far I've lost 6 lbs! YEA for me! If I can average even 10lbs per month I'm well on my way to losing these last 30 by Christmas. I havent cheated on the diet and I'm getting my cardio in at least 3 times per week to start. I even threw in some weights and abs this week as a bonus! My hunger battle isnt so bad on day 5... told you! I think the party in the kitchen is over. I saw some fried chicken hungover and throwing up in the sink. I told them to lay off the grease, but you know how fried chicken loves that flour & oil.

Unrelated: I made a lipgloss using the Blistex in the jar, Aquafor, and some eyeshadow powder. I love it. I've heard of people adding in honey, vitamin E, vaseline, kool-aid, etc. Maybe some of you have your own recipe? I'd love to hear about them. 

We are planning AGAIN to try to make it to the castle that inspired Walt Disney. I hope to return with tons of pictures and hopefully funny stories.

Monday, August 29, 2011

farewell feast to fat

Today marks day 2 in my Dr Ian Smith's Fat Smash diet. I've done this diet before. It is actually what helped me to drop 60lbs a little over a year before I became pregnant. Yes, 60lbs. That's the equivalent of a small child, a large dog, an old giant box television. Just darn ridiculous. There was no need for me to be lugging around 60lbs of anything, let alone fat.

So, a very good friend of mine told me about this diet and he raved on and on about his weight loss success. I was skeptical, but what did I have to lose? Other than the 60lbs? ha! I jumped right into the regimen and it worked. It's a lifestyle change to your eating habits. The first phase lasts 9 days and is a detox. Pretty much you are restricted to fruits and veggies. There is a list of other items you may eat during this time and a short list of foods to stay away from. Simply put, you are not eating fast food, fried anything, caffeine, alcohol, white potatoes, meat, bread, white rice, avocados, or raisins. You may 4 eat egg whites, fruits, veggies, 1 glass of fresh squeezed juice, 1 glass of low fat milk, veggie burger pattie, and a few other items. I like this phase because it really helps you jump start the weight loss. There are 4 phases total and each phase adds in more of the restricted foods into your diet. The goal is to learn how to eat the appropriate amounts and types of foods and balance it with a workout routine. Oh please dont worry- you can still eat junk sometimes... all in moderation.

Anyway, I digress. I'm on the detox phase now. It has only been two days, but I feel like a fat cow. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I want a double cheeseburger with curly fries dipped in ranch and washed down with a large chocolate shake. Along with some f-ing delicious chicken and all the bread I can stuff into my mouth with both hands. I will not lie to you- this is serious business. I know by the end of day 5 or so I can normally handle the detox, but right now every moment I'm awake I think about food. I imagine there is a party happening right now in my refrigerator. The butter and bread are smooching in the corner... butter being spread all over the bread slices. Chicken wings are willingly flouring themselves and jumping into hot oil because they know they wont be eaten. Gallons of ice cream are having a blast melting on the counter and hopping back into the freezer to refreeze themselves. I can hear popcorn popping and drowning in butter and salts. The fruit and veggies all shake their heads, but really they wish they could join in the festivities. They know their fate. Lifespans of fruits and veggies are real short around here these days.

I knew that I was going to start the 9 DAYS OF HELL and I wanted to give my fat a proper farewell. I chose something not too unhealthy, but definitely delicious. We enjoyed chicken marsala on Saturday along with a nice big breakfast at another one of our favorite spots.

I'll add the recipe and directions very soon, but for now here's a picture of the final outcome.
Just looking at this plate makes me want to go in there and lick the dishes in the dishwasher from my husband's lunch container. Dont judge me.

I know that in the end I will be happier than I am now. It will all be worth it. The journey there is what sucks. I'd like to wake up with a hot body. I better be careful what I wish for. I'll wake up tomorrow sweating! Yeah come on God...not that type of hot. My goal is to lose the remaining 30lbs from the dynamic duo by Christmas. I think that's completely doable. Jumped on my spin bike today too! Im definitely headed in the right direction.
I cant wait to post after shots of my sexy body... um you dont need any current shots bwhahhaha!

Until next time :)

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Nappy Nivea Ad

After browsing through my favorite hair site ( I came across this ad. What are your thoughts? I really believed this was one of those doctored photos, but after I Google'd it I realized I was wrong. What did I do without Google? Oh yea, I remember. I asked my mom who said ask your teacher. HA!

Now, I also found this ad on my Google quest. What are your thoughts about this one? 

Friday, August 26, 2011

Big Bird from Sesame Street tastes f-ing delicious!

Sesame Street live was awesome. Of course it wasnt as good as when I was a child. I recall sitting next to my mom with a glowing necklace and growing anticipation. The very next moment I was being lifted into the air by Big Bird and being carried to the stage. On stage I was able to sing and dance with the characters as they performed the famous "Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street" song. My bright eyes flickered with passion on the brink of a seizure from AWESOMENESS OVERLOAD.

Ok, so that's how my 5 year old brain remembers it. I'm 99.9% sure none of that happened, but instead I sat next to my mom and clapped and cheered... if I was even in attendance!

I took the twins to see the Sesame Street performance a few days ago. We were so lucky to grab a few extra tickets as it seemed everyone was trying to get their hands on them. I was super disappointed at the turn-out. A good 6-8 rows of seats remained empty in the back and when my husband finally arrived he said he just walked right in.

I added pics on the Facebook fanpage. There were quite a few missing characters I would liked to have seen (yes, this show was for the 6month old twins who have never even seen Sesame Street and not for their almost 30 year old mom...sheesh!); Bert & Ernie, The Grouch, Snuffy...and Big Bird.

Ahh Big Bird... just thinking about you makes my mouth water with chicken envy. Rumor has it Big Bird was traveling through Germany when he came upon Hinkelstall. Germans, knowing how to cook some chicken, couldnt pass on the opportunity of preparing this delicious creature in my honor. That's why Big Bird was not at the show... sorry everyone.

I hate to admit this, but we returned to the infamous Hinkelstall for more f-ing delicious chicken last night. You just cant go wrong with a delicious, inexpensive, CHICKEN meal within walking distance from your home. I stuck with my regular order of Hinkel BBQ. I still cant believe it's half a chicken!

I did drink this creamy blended cocktail concoction called Coconut Kiss. It's an alcohol free drink and I believe I tasted coconut, orange, pineapple, and extra goodnesses I cant even describe. Everyone should have one and raise their glass in a toast... a toast to me! For finding you the greatest chicken place on Earth!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

confessions of a shopping JUNKIE

Yes, you read correctly JUNKIE... I've surpassed shopaholic and laughed in the face of addict. Hello, my name is Elisha and I'm a shopping junkie. (In my mind you all went "Hello Elisha").

There really isnt a cure for this problem and I think I'm so strung out that I'm glad there isnt. What does exist is REHAB! (R.I.P Amy Whinehouse) What is a shopping junkie's rehab you ask? Good question. Rehab would be putting me in a place where I dont have immediate access to product, funds, or English speaking dealers. Hello! I'm in rehab! Germany!

I moved to Germany while I was pregnant with twins. Before gaining 60lbs of fluid, blood, and babies, I was wearing a size 8 dress and 10 jeans. OMG! I was in heaven. Do you know how easy it is to find those sizes in a store??! You're talking to a bonafide fat ass right here. I know exactly how easy it is because when I wore a 16 all I could find were 8s & 10s. My theory was skinny girls didnt have time to shop because the were too busy off somewhere getting skinnier and fat girls were shopping to avoid those places.

I dont just like to shop for clothes and shoes (size 12 shoe and that's another conversation), but also makeup, food, hair products, presents, vacation packages, ANYTHING! I really feel like a junkie. I get a surreal high when I'm bargaining and finding great deals. I love the thrill and I also continue my high after I get home and start going through my bags and reliving the moments. Right now I feel my body detoxing. Sometimes my husband will find me curled in the fetal position clutching an old pair of jeans and rocking back and forth. When this happens he just slowly removes the jeans from my grip and starts chanting calming phrases like "buy one get one free" or "double coupons" and the one that never fails to bring me back "clearance items additional 75% off" lol.

So here I am all the way in Germany without a job and without my size 8/10 body. Who the hell wants to shoplift plus sizes? NOT ME! My alternative to this situation is to lose this gut, get a job, and learn some German. So until then, whenever you go shopping think of me and take a picture of your goodies or at least mail me the tags :)

Sunday, August 21, 2011


I kept trying to think of some clever and funny title for this post, but when it came time to sit down and write... chicken is all that it needs.

I love chicken. I love eating it. I love the different parts and ways I can cook chicken. If I could I would dress up as a chicken and hand out chicken samples at Chik-Fil-A.  Friday nights are my "night off" from being twin mom. My husband lets me take the night to relax, sleep, write, shower, scratch my butt- whatever I want to do. He watches the girls and then the next morning my reality returns and I'm no longer that 20something single chick, but I've returned back as that almost 30 year old MOM!

Lately, hubby has been very slick in his "night off" routine. Instead of me hiding away in the attic, he has us doing family fun stuff. Dont get me wrong, I love being with my family. There's never a dull moment when we roll out, but I miss my nights off. When we are out together I'm still super mom. I can't just sit there and NOT help. I mean I CAN and believe me I've tried, but it doesn't work. Those few hours of uninterrupted me time is enough to rejuvenate me for the week. I am blessed and I know it. My kiddos sleep through the night and have been since 4weeks old. So, I've been trying to stay up later to get my "me" time, but I'm just making myself more tired the next day.

So, this last Friday rolls around and I'm anxious to get my night off. I have all these plans of washing my hair and starting my book. Keep in mind Friday afternoon we attended a picnic, went to the mall, and grocery shopped. So, I'm a little worn out. I look at the clock and I'm just counting down those minutes to when I hear his tires crunch against the driveway. I love that moment- the moment I realize the baby to parent ratio has leveled out. The moment when I turn to look at Lilly and she looks back at me and I know she is thinking, "You may have help now, but there's always tomorrow lady!"

My favorite husband (yes, my only husband) walks in and the relief wave cascades over my tired little soul. BUT I get happy a little too fast. The next thing I know I have a child strapped to my chest in a front pack and we are headed out the door for a walk. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? I still dont know. On our walk we decided to head home, feed the girls, and try a nice little restaurant by our house. We pass it all the time, but have never gone in. We get home and feed the girls and pack it up once again. It's looking like my night off isn't going to happen.

Chicken...the title is chicken. When is she going to tell us about a chicken? RIGHT NOW! The restaurant is Hinkelstall. There are pictures posted on the Twin Frenzy Facebook page. We arrive at Hinkelstall and it looks very beautiful. The employees are very kind and it's a nice cozy spot tucked away in a quaint little neighborhood. The front of it is actually hidden away behind a mini-forest.

Hubby actually understands German pretty well. Im still pretending with my smile and nod. We already previewed the menu at home online. Thank God for Google translate. I had decided I would have the BBQ chicken with fries and vegetables. This actually turned out to be an Old Bay seasoning rub on half a chicken that was then rostisseried. YUM! The fries had a little seasoned salt sprinkled on them and the vegetables ended up being a very fancy salad bar with homemade dressings and fresh vegetables. My words will never do this food justice. I took pictures, but you'd have to have this flavor explode on your palete to understand.

My husband is a very easy going guy. Doesn't really make a fuss about anything. Whenever we eat at home or out I have to fight for details about how good or bad it tastes. Not this time- he had the house chicken with potato wedges and a salad. When he bit into that breast his next 5 words shocked my system. I'm sure he is going to be a little pissed I'm telling you this, but I couldn't believe my ears. He very excitedly exhales, "This chicken is f-ing delicious." WHAT?! Seriously? I've been cooking for this man, slaving over a stove, juggling 4 pans at a time to ensure everything is hot when he eats and I've never received that type of compliment. I was a bit pissed off, but at the same time intrigued. How delicious was his house chicken? Had the Germans kicked The Colonel's (KFC) butt in chicken preparation? Was Hinkelstall the new Popeyes? I had to taste this chicken crack. And so I did.

I dont think a word has ever been created to describe my... my... disappointment! I was expecting fireworks, but instead I got sparklers. It was good, but not only was their BBQ version better, but my own chicken was better than the house chicken. Of course I've been giving him crap ever since about his 5word phrase. Yea, I'm a little bitter, but now I have a challenge!

Yesterday evening I attended a "Ladies Night In" potluck event. It is sponsored by 5 anonymous women who help us network and socialize within our community. I brought- you guessed it- chicken. I didn't just bring any chicken I brought some special seasoned, overnight marinating, f-ing delicious chicken wings! I created a marinade that I'll try to remember to add to the recipes page. Well, while it was cooking, he tried to tell me that my chicken smelled f-ing delicious and after he tasted a wing he said it again, but you cant fake that enthusiasm. His whole face lit up at Hinkelstall! It is sort of like when a guy realizes his wife has been faking orgasms their whole marriage. Ha! That was actually a great analogy.

Lo and behold when the women at the potluck bit into my wings they exclaimed, "Who made the wings? These are great!" For just a moment I thought my husband had set them up to try and boost my confidence. I was waiting for Ashton to slide down the banister and scream "You've just been punked!" And then he'd throw a chicken wing in my face. Luckily, I remembered that neither of us had ever met these women and they were being genuinely honest... they thought my chicken was f-ing delicious!

Overall, Im glad I got out of the house on both occasions. The chicken was amazing and family time is always precious. It was nice to meet other super moms/wives and spend a little adult time with someone other than my husband. I've got another event coming up this Saturday as well. Busy busy busy! Until next time, if you have a chance eat some f-ing delicious chicken :)

Friday, August 19, 2011

stamping my footprints on the sands of time

That's exactly how I feel right now. Sorry for all of the Beyonce song references, but I dont have a disc changer and whichever CD is in once we hit that autobahn stays in!

I feel like I accomplished so much at such a young age that I'm now just in limbo... hanging about waiting for the universe to send me a sign. I'm not sure what this sign would look like and I'm almost positive it has given me plenty, but I'm a visual learner. Maybe one day I'll wake up with a flashing arrow pointing at some fancy written directions with step by step illustrations. Until then, I'll continue on my journey.

Currently, I'm working to be a better HEALTHIER me. I am definitely a work in progress. I havent really exactly defined what a HEALTHIER me looks like, but I want to nurture all aspects of my life. I have begun working out, eating right, taking better care of my hair, increasing communication, self-reflecting, and setting/accomplishing my goals. WHEW! All of that PLUS I'm still being the best mommy I can be, but I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Being a true believer in goal setting really helps me not feel too overwhelmed with it all. Each day is a new beginning and a new chance at being a better version of yesterday's me.

My good friend Michelle motivates/encourages/nags/reminds/demands that I finally write my book. She and I have been friends since 7th grade and now we're almost 30 and stronger than ever. I thank God for people like her in my life. Lifelong friends are few and far between, but if you're lucky enough to have one be sure to thank that person and tell them as often as you can how much you appreciate them. - Ok enough mushy stuff...

I have been bouncing ideas around in my mind and with Michelle. It's high time I put the pen to paper and stop procrastinating. My honest opinion- I'm afraid it wont be any good. What if I put all this effort into this project and I cant sell even 1 copy? If I start and dont finish is that even worse than finishing and failing? Then I realized that writing this book isnt about me. It's about completing a goal and showing my daughters what it means to at least try and give it your all. So, with the weight of the world (I say they're about 30lbs combined) in my arms I begin the process.

You will be my audience, my critics, my support team, my fans, my all.

On a more social note- I met another twin mom today! Her sons are 9weeks old and absolutely the cutest things around! It's so nice to meet other twin moms. We are drawn to each other. Tomorrow I'm attending a "Girl's Night In" potluck event. I'll share the recipes of my favorite dishes and I guess I better get crackin' on a dish myself.

Until then- CIAO!